Another week & a little time to reflect ( completed after aol shutdown )

( just managed to save the first part of this entry before aol decided to log me off for a while....so here is the finished entry I had planned )

Another monday, another week of work ahead. This week I am on the early shift & for once getting up at ridiculous o clock is not a problem, Jack has seen to it that I get plenty of practice.

As any regular reader will know my entries have been few & far between recently, with having to look after Jack, do the housework & going to work I have hardly had any time for myself. This weekend was a little different, we still had lots to do but I managed to snatch a few  moments here & there of 'me time'.  There are those of you who have been reading this journal for months now so are well aware of the multitude of emotions I have experienced & this weekend I finally had time to reflect on the last year - I say the last year because when thinking how much my life has changed & what I have been through I had to reflect on what my life used to be like before Nic got pregnant.

I have been scared, happy, scared, worried, elated, nervous & so much more. When Nic first told me we were going to have a baby I didn't know what to think, all of a sudden with one sentence my world as I knew it was over, but  a whole new exciting world had begun. There were times when I wasn't sure I could be a dad & times I thought I'd be the best dad in the world, but in the end all I can do is try to be the best dad I can. The 9 months sometimes seemed as though it would fly by but then once things settled down it really dragged & I was beginning to wonder if I would ever meet my son. Living with Nic was not always easy & I guess she probably feels the same about me, nothing makes you analyze your relationship more than the news of impending parenthood. At the end of the day we made it & are still together & we have a gorgeous little boy that has made us so happy.

The birth itself was strangely uneventful, we've all seen the births on tv where the woman threatens excrutiating pain to the man for making her go through the pain of childbirth & so I was expecting fireworks ( Nic is a very fiery person the same as me ) but I spent most of the day wishing Jack would hurry up so I could go home to bed!! Maybe it was the numerous amounts of pain relieving drugs they gave Nic but she was quite quiet. When I saw Jack for the very first time I didn't cry but I have never experienced such powerful emotions as at that moment, here was a life that I had helped create & that I would be responsible for during the next 16 years ( at least ). I had always described babies as little bags of s&*t ( & trust me they are a lot of the time ) but Jack was & still is the most amazing little child I have ever seen, every little expession he has is priceless. We have pretty much turned into baby paparazzi taking so many pictures of this wonderful little creature that has stopped us getting any meaningful sleep & has puked, peed & pooed all over the place.

I have always believed in the power of continuously learning throughout life & the amount I have learnt over the last 5 & a half weeks ( yes he is that old already ) is quite simply shocking. We have learnt that midwives & health visitors don't always know best, Jack has let us know in his own way what he wants, how much of it & when despite being told we mustn't change his feed amounts & strengths. yes there are still times when Jack cries & we feed him, change him, play with him, cuddle him & still he cries, but what the hell, he is only a baby & is still trying to figure out what he needs himself. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't got to the point more than once when he's woken up god knows how many times & cried for a feed then refused to go back to sleep but this is all part of the parenthood experience. I am not always a patient person so I get wound up, but then I look at my son & think how enriched my life has become. The worst times are when I want to read as I can sit for hours reading but when Jack wants something I can't tell him to wait until I finish the chapter, I look forward to teaching him how to read & I hope he gets as much enjoyment from reading as I do. But if he ends up being a tv addict who hates reading then I have to accept it. When Nic was pregnant we talked about what we would like our son to do when he gows, Nic said he should be a beach bum & I said he should be a formula one driver ( & look after his old man with his millions!! ), after joking about it for a few minutes I said to Jack ( at this point still only a bump )that my only expectations were that I would love him no matter what - I still stand by this even though I know I will have many frustrations along the way.

One of the things that Nic & I have both found amusing is the many comments in books & magazines that 'up until baby is 6 weeks old he cannot smile, it is just wind when you think he is smiling'......what a load of crap! Jack has been smiling since his first week, okay he may not know why he's smiling but how the hell do the so called experts know it's just wind, have they asked the babies? I love watching Jack smile, I don't think I will ever grow tired of watching his gummy grins. Recently he has started to laugh as well, it's not yet a full laugh but he has little giggles. He loves when we play qwith his legs when he's lying down, he also loves having bath's ( it'll be bathtime tonight ). Both Nic & I love the water, we both learnt to swim at an early age & cannot wait to start taking Jack swimming. The swimming pools around here won't allow any babies under 6 months old so we have a while to wait, but we do have our paddling pool for the back garden in the summer which is going to be great.

One of the biggest fears I had before he was born was changing nappies, I'm not squeamish but the thought of the 'korma poo' ( sorry if I put you off your takeaway curry but let's be honest here, baby poo does have a remarkable similarity to chicken korma )just made me want to emigrate, the reality is though that its not that bad. obviously there are loads of things I'd rather do than change a dirty nappy but then again given the choice of being forced to watch big brother or changing nappies i know which I'd choose - & it certainly isn't watching the pathetic excuse for entertainment called big brother. You do have to be careful though, once you have a baby you may miss loads of important appointments because you are just too busy watching them sleep! The facial expressions are wonderful, its so funny watching them smile whilst sleeping, what do they dream about? Lets face it their world consists of mummy, daddy, milk & cuddles so what do they dream about?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that no matter what happens, no matter how many times you doubt yourself having a child is the greatest feeling ever. You may begin to wonder if you'll ever have a full nights sleep again, you may never want to eat chicken korma again & you may well decide to invest your money buying shares in baby formula companies & washing powder companies ( seriously, how many bloody times do I need to put the washing machine on? ) but the minute your baby looks up at you & smiles you will know it's all worthwhile.

Thank you again to everyone who has emailed me or left comments, believe me every single one is appreciated. I hope you enjoy the new photo's ( Kathy - take a look at the blanket Jack's wrapped up in!! )....VampJack x