The tension mounts.....

Okay so first I have to say a big thank you to all of you who left comments from my last entry, I was about as low as I could be & it was so nice to get so many nice comments. You guys are the ones that are going to keep me posting entries until I meet my son/daughter, & who knows, I might even carry on until you tell me to stop boring you with every little detail of his/her life!!

 

Today's been okay, relaxing in the coventry sunshine ( well during my ciggie breaks anyway ) & having a laugh at work. I seem to get more insulting & abusive as the week goes on but the recipients of my scathing wit know I'm only joking ( at least I hope they do otherwise one of these days I will be getting a major kicking ). Finally got an email from Argos yesterday that the paddling pool I want is in stock, reserved it & picked it up today so now I've gotta mow the lawn so we can get the pool out.

Its gonna be a very busy weekend this week as not only do I have to mow the lawn, cut the bushes back & clean the pond ( how the hell do I do that?, never had to look after a pond before in my life, luckily there's no fish in there ). I have got my new fridge freezer today & my shed so gotta clear a space for the old fridge to be stuck in the garden until I can arrange for the council to collect it, got to put my shed together & then try to get the ground level for it. Want to get my hair cut again, I want it shaved but the other half thinks I'll look like a thug...so looks like I will  be shaving it! We've had an invitation to my friends bbq tomorrow, be nice to finally meet her fella. And most importantly we have to tell my in laws about the baby ( we're not married but you know what I mean ). Even after all this time I am still worried about their reaction, hope it goes okay cos knowing me if they give me attitude I will give it back tenfold & I don't really want that. I am a pretty mild kinda guy who knows how to get things off my chest in very dramatic fashion but usually like a quiet life.

Otherwise life is trying to get back to normal following our trip to the vets on wednesday, Angel seems so lonely now, she used to beat up on Cleo but I think they both loved each other really so I think we will have to get another cat. It breaks my heart to see Angel so quiet as she is normally such a lively little devil ( trust me, the name Angel is because of her looks not her nature ), we've started letting her sleep in the bedroom at night so she's not too lonely but she only comes in for a while then goes again.

My girlfriend was told a while ago that she may lose her job as the company were making redundancies, luckily this week we found out that although her job is going she is being given an equal position in another dept so good news there. It has upset some of her colleagues but I'm afraid thats just tough, they can either accept it or clear off, she's worked for the company for years ( I used to be her boss there a few years ago, thats how we met ) so deserves to be kept on after the loyalty she has shown.

Well that's enough waffling for one night, I will try to find the time tomorrow to let you know how it went with the in-laws but if not I will definitely update you all by monday night...big weekend on tv so might not be online...we've got the US grand prix & double 24 - the season finale, can't wait. I'm also going to try & sort out a list of my fave journals for you all, there are some very thought provoking & entertaining journals on here....Vamp x

 

From the highs to the lowest lows

Today started really well, believe it or not I actually enjoy my job, it may not be the greatest job in the world but I enjoy it & thats all that  matters. I was doing really well today clearing lots of files, had an email with my stats on from yesterday which were pretty damn good, then we had a team meeting which meant a chance to sit back & take it easy for a couple of hours & then lunch. After lunch I only had 2 hours left at work & was looking forward to coming home & chilling out.

Thats when the dark clouds appeared. On the way home I saw a couple of kids & one was carrying a cat - MY CAT. Cleo has always been a skinny little cat since I got her just over 5 years ago from the local shelter, I have had her checked out by several vets & all have said she's just skinny, she eats okay & is lively enough ( for an old cat, she has been estimated at 10-15 years old ) so no problem. Anyway I asked the girl what she was doing with my cat & she said that they'd found her wandering around on the road near my house but they didn't know who she belonged to, there is a pet shop nearby so they were going to take her in & see if they knew who she belonged to as she has suddenly lost all her weight & looks really emaciated. I took her home & tried giving her some milk which she loves no matter how ill she's been in the past, she never touched it. As I say she has always been really skinny anyway but since yesterday morning she has lost loads of weight & isn't eating or drinking. I phoned the local vet who said they'd see her straight away so I rushed down there with her...........I was told she has a heart murmur which could be down to her age but also she is really ill. They said Cleo needed to go on a drip immediately as she could not go another day without food & that in order to find out what is wrong it was probably going to cost a minimum of £500 just for the tests - we may get lucky & find the problem straight away or it could take ages & be very expensive. The vet thought the kindest option was euthanasia & after talking it over with my girlfriend we had to say goodbye. I feel as though I have let Cleo down, my cats have always been part of my family & I would have done anything for them but with the baby on the way I couldn't justify spending hundreds, possibly thousands on treating her as the vet suspected that either way the tests would probably show up something that was going to be fatal anyway. I was really surprised as my girlfriend has never really taken to Cleo like she has the other cats but even she started crying when we had to make the decision. Goodbye Cleo, I will miss you so much. I have no appetite & wish I had not made the decisoin to let her go, even though I know it's the right thing to do. People may think me pathetic for caring so much for an animal but the love they give is so unconditional & pure. We now have one cat left as one of our 3 cats we had wandered off not long after we moved here in march & has never been seen since, now Cleo's gone Angel is the only one left. We are contemplating getting another so Angel isn't lonely but with the baby we are going to have to think long & hard about wether we have another cat. I have included pictures of my 3 cats above  #1 is Raki, wandered off maybe still out there somewhere, #2 is Angel still with us & #3 is my beautiful Cleo who I had to say a very tearful goodbye to tonight.

I phoned my mum to tell her & although I was going to wait until we were at my sisters I decided to tell her about the baby. Not sure how she really feels - she's a jehovahs witness & doesn't believe in all the sex before marriage thing but I think she's happy. Now we just have to tell my partners parents, oh joy!

Don't really feel like writing much more after what I've been through tonight so I'll say goodnight...hope you are all well & give your pets an extra treat tonight to let them know you care....Vamp x

Feeling the strain

Okay first of all those of you that have read my first entry will know I was concerned about a friend of mine, I thought the shock of my impending fatherhood had killed him.........he's alive thank god! Typical of him all he can do is make a joke of it but I'll have the last laugh - i'll get my son/daughter to call him uncle Richard!!

So what else is happening, well the mother to be is already starting to lay it on thick with her demands, fetch me this, cook me that, buy me the other ( well to be honest that last one has been constant since we met ). I get in from a hard days work & she expects me to run around for her all evening...I wouldn't mind but the baby's not due until feb/march. I've decided not to tell her about this journal until after the birth, hopefully it'll be a nice surprise for her ( depends how much she treats me like a slave in the meantime, I may end up using this as a ranting platform ).

It's gonna be fun next week, we're going to my sisters for a few days & was planning on a nice walk into town to the train station but no doubt she'll decide a taxi is a much better idea. And then when we get there my 2 nephews will probably want us to play all the time, I guess I need to start being a good uncle & not teach them too many new bad habits otherwise my sister will only get her own back when I'm a dad. It's a good job 24 finishes on sunday, my sister doesn't have sky one & I couldn't take the suspense of knowing it's on & not being able to watch it. Phoenix if you're reading this, sundays episode had me on the edge of my seat. I really thought we were gonna lose another well loved character. We have a theory about this series that they had to kill President Palmer cos they can never have him run for president again & everyone I knew said if the actor ran for president he'd probably win by a landslide...definitely a victim of his own popularity. I read today that Keifer's signed up for another 3 series as well as the film.

We'll also be visiting my partners aunt when we're in Southampton so we need to tell her parents this weekend, otherwise if her aunt finds out & tells her parents I really will be in trouble - on the other hand her parents will be looking after our cats when we're away & we don't want to come back to find they've eaten each other ( the cats not her parents ). Actually there's a challenge for everyone reading this...I want you to all leave me comments with reason's why we should or should not tell her parents!

Also if anyone out there knows of any well paid forklift driver jobs around the loughborough area let me know ( not for me I hasten to add ).

I was looking at our spare room last night, most of the stuff piled up high is my books & video's, I need to start thinking about selling most of it on ebay if we don't want the baby sleeping in our room. I used to sell quite a lot but to be honest I have got very lazy & can't be bothered photographing everything, listing it & then trudging down to the post office on a saturday. My girlfriend thinks I should sell my garfield collection as well but she hasn't got a hope in hell ( that's just a very small selection above ), she won't let me get rid of her cows ( why she likes cows I don't know, best thing about cows is sticking chunks of them on a bbq ) or bad taste bears so Garfield is staying.

Before I go I just want to say how much I am enjoying reading other peoples blogs, I have never read any of them until I started this project but am now an avid reader of several regular bloggers ( & I hope some of you enjoy reading mine ).

Anyway I'd better go for a shower before her majesty calls again!! Only joking, I love her really. take care & come back soon.

 

Just to let you know, my request for reasons why we should/should not tell my girlfriends parents is purely fun factor - we will of course tell them & soon, hopefully this weekend! I don't want you all thinking I'm a nasty person trying to avoid telling them...heaven forbid!!!....Vamp

Anxiety & impatience

I don't know if I can cope with all this waiting. My frustration is growing & it is so unfair, I'm gonna be kept waiting until the last minute as always....I wish Michael Schumacher would let everyone know wether he's carrying on or not!! I was sat watching the race in canada & wondering where all the excitement has gone from my beloved sport. Just wait until next year, Kimi & Michael at Ferrari...what a dream team! I like Alonso but absolutely no way can I support miserable mclaren ( has ron dennis had a personality bypass?, I think we should be told ).

Anyway I guess anyone reading this is wondering what this has to do with impending parenthood - nothing, I just wanted to get it off my chest.

So yesterday was quite calm, no nerves about the little one & its getting me worried now..how can i be so cool about this? I have suffered with depression in the past ( thankfully it seems like those days are gone ) but I do get stressed out quite easily & I can't believe I'm not a complete basket case. Still give me time I'm sure it'll happen. Next weekend maybe...not only is ther another race on but the finale of 24...how will my nerves cope. I think this journal is helping keep me sane, its a great release being able to tell a bunch of strangers ( although hopefully i'll get to know some of you over the next 9 months ) how I'm feeling knowing that i don't have to talk to you face to face!! Yesterday was actually quite weird cos I was thinking something ain't right, surely i should be more excited. Guess it comes in waves, can you imagine 9 months of total anxiety & excitement?

Today's been quite a good day though, my friend was not at work as early as usual & just as I was getting worried bout her she turned up with a grin like a cheshire cat ( if you're reading this, sooo happy for you both, or should that be all 3??!! ). So a happy friend, work was okay too and lost another 2lb...not a bad day! The other half nearly told her parents bout the baby but chickened out - still you can't have everything, guess she'll make sure i'm there when she tells them.

before I go I have to have a rant. I read in my paper yesterday that royal mail workers union is threatening a strike - how will we know the difference? The service levels from the post office has dropped substantially over the last coupla years & they want more money, how about we all walk out until we get a pay rise? I say they should start delivering ( no pun intended ) a reasonable level of service then maybe they will be justified asking for more money. My postie sometimes leaves cards if he's tried delivering a parcel, I try calling the office to arrange redelivery but can never get through, if I complain via the website it takes 2 weeks to get a reply by which time i've managed to get to the sorting office to collect cos I'm tired of waiting for them to reply. Either that or they deliver my parcels smashed to pieces, or postie leaves my parcels by the front door where they can be seen from the main road....very secure!!!

Anyway enough of the ranting...hope you are all having a good start to the week & thanks again to all those that have left comments for me, it is greatly appreciated...until next time.... 

The best made plans........

Okay so last night when I left you I was heading out for a drink, it was quite nice to chill out with a good friend enjoying a beer outside in the pleasant evening air. I was building myself up for telling my girlfriends parents today about the baby.......

I got home & we had a chat, eventually deciding it'd be a good move to get up & go to town early today. This way we could meet her parents in town & offer to buy them a coffee in the glasshouse ( good coffee if you're ever in cov ), that way if we told them they wouldn't be able to murder me in public!! So at 8am today the postman rang the doorbell & woke me up, then I made a bad decision....I went back to bed. Next thing I know my friend tx'd me asking if she could come round with her little girl ( the happiest little kid I know, I've never seen her without a smile on her face ), this was 'bout 11 so bang goes the plan! I've now got another wait before we tell her parents, therefore more anxiety, more jack daniels consumption & more keeping it quiet so they don't find out from someone else.

It seemed that everywhere I looked when we did get to town there was a pregnant woman or hoards of little ankle biters...I feel as though I can't get away from them but you know what?...I don't seem half as scared as before. I'm sure this will all change a thousand times before the arrival of little jenson ( my other half has already decided the name if its a boy! ) or whatever we decide on if it's a girl. I would like to take this moment to say thank you to those of you that have already read my first entry & sent me very supportive emails, it is appreciated & I hope I don't bore you too much if you keep reading. My girlfriend is convinced we're gonna have a boy as she really wants a girl, I must admit at this point I think I prefer the thought of having a girl but of course we will love the child whatever we get.

 

Anyway time to sign off again as I've got to go & watch 'the pacifier' ( yet more babies!! ). Thank you again for your support....The Vamp x

The first week

My girlfriend came home last thursday with a pregnancy test kit & told me to have a look....it was positive. At first I kind of ignored it thinking it was a joke & that she'd borrowed it from someone at work ( as they all seem to be squeezing them out! ). The next night we talked about it & I realised it was true, she had been to the doctor's & we would get the results on tuesday.

The weekend was a bit weird as neither of us seemed to know what to say to each other, it was even stranger going to her parents for a bbq on fathers day & not saying anything as at this point we still weren't sure wether it was going to be positive or not.

 

It is now friday night & I've been living with the fact that I'm going to be a dad since tuesday. My girlfriend text'd me on tuesday at work, it just said ' hello daddy, love u '. I was numb, my best friend at work was really happy for me but I didn't know what to think, all my life I had done what I wanted, when I wanted & now I was going to be responsible for another life. There really is no way to describe it properly until you've been through it. All afternoon I could barely concentrate on my work, one minute happy, the next scared to death. How was I supposed to know how to react, I'd never been here before & my friends either had kids when I met them or hadn't had kids so I really had no reference point to work from.

By wednesday morning I had sort of taken it in ( although even now I still don't know how to deal with this ), my friend at work said I seemed a lot happier than tuesday ( underwear had been changed by then!! ). I am happy about becoming a dad but so scared, it's not just the relationship between father & child to worry about....all of a sudden I started thinking how her parents were going to react, what my mum & sister would say, & probably the biggest thing was thinking about my relationship between my girlfriend & me...was this the right person to have a family with, would we be able to cope with each other over the next 9 months & is she thinking the same.

We decided to keep it quiet for the first 3 months but this is huge news so I had to email my best friend ( he still hasn't replied, maybe the shock has killed him ) & tell a handful of other people I can trust to keep it quiet. But of course i had not taken into account the fact that women cannot keep gossip to themselves, even if it's about them, my girlfriend has told virtually all her friends then had the cheek to tell me off for telling 3 friends & my team leader at work ( after all, I thought he should know as my work this week was suffering from the lack of concentration ). Tomorrow is the big test - telling her parents, I am absolutely terrified of this, they're nice people but i've got their daughter pregnant..please pray for me.

I said we should put off telling my mum as we live miles away, we'll tell my sister in a couple of weeks when we visit & watch as she flies across the room to phone my mum!!!

Overall I guess I am happy but with a million questions. I have never had my own blog before, in fact I have never kept a diary so this may be short lived but thought I need something to record my thoughts & feelings over the next 9 months.

That's it for tonight, I'm off to have a drink because I think I deserve one.